Summer thoughts

There is no better summer than Minnesota summer. There is no better moment when bathing the breeze on the balcony right after the sun went down. This could be late- the sun refuses to cede until 9:30pm, leaving much to spend on meaningless joy without guilt.

After sitting on the balcony for almost two years, the table that I got for free was finally dressed in a table cloth. I found the wooden tray from the corner of the balcony, decked my withering parsley, half burnt candle, and my childish pink pitcher. On a workless Friday, I grounded myself on this side of balcony for everything. An hour of reading a novel with a pink cover, an hour listening to the lecture, and another hour doing absolutely nothing. 

Yes, I finally found the peace and courage to spend my time on absolutely doing nothing. 

Chilling seemed to be a mission impossible for me. Though I could spare time chasing waterfalls, I found it difficult to just "chill". I come off intense and serious to most of my friends and coworkers in Minnesota, but way short of efforts judged by my Chinese upbringing. There is always insecurity tickling. 

I could not quite explain where this insecurity is coming from. I only know I ask a lot of "What If"s to myself, and most of the "What If"s are not optimistic. Is it from the gene passing in my family that triggered a higher risk of depression? I don't know. I only know that these "What If"s drove me more than anything else, and not in a necessarily bad way. 

Until the Summer in Minnesota told me that I need to pay attention to the present. It is so beautiful that I could not distract myself with any other thoughts. I could only embrace what I am seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling now. The shades of lush green, the kid giggles, the earth smell infused with fresh rain, and the flowing air touching my skin. 

I feel so alive. 

The moonlight painted a frosty shade on my balcony. I sit by my table, taking all in.